Diet Pepsi Addict

Okay, I admit it - I am addicted to Diet Pepsi. I just like the taste of it, so that is my drink of choice when I am at home. I was drinking 8-10 cans of the fizzy stuff daily, before reading an article or two about what diet soda can do to your insides. Well, really any artificial sweeteners. So I have gone off diet soda. I have regular Coke from time to time, but no more than a couple of cans a day.

It's only been a couple of days and I am already starting to feel better. I guess the water I am drinking in lieu of the Diet Pepsi plays no small part in that. My stomach is giving me a lot less grief, which is a welcome change. I feel more alert, which is a good thing. And I actually feel a bit more energized. All of these things are great. But I miss my Diet Pepsi. More than that I miss not knowing how bad it was for me. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

I've got to stop reading articles.

My Pleasing Profile Pictures

I don't know what happened this time. I always posted really innocent-looking profile pictures on Facebook, not wanting to rock the boat. I would put on makeup, pose in front of the camera. Snap! No, that's no good, my teeth look too big. Snap! My hand looks too fat in this one. And on it would go. I would usually have to take five selfies to get a picture that does not make me cringe too much. One that I would be willing to post on Facebook. One that might get me a few likes.

The last part is what I felt I needed to change. My profile picture didn't seem so much about reflecting me or my life as pleasing others. Then one day, I got an idea in my head. It was originally supposed to just be for DeviantArt. I would sit in front of the camera and smoke. I would take a big drag from my cigarette as I stared directly at the camera, the end of the cigarette burning orange. Snap! I only took one picture this time, and that was enough. I posted it on DeviantArt, and someone even favourited the picture. I wasn't expecting that, but I was glad it happened.

Then I began to think about my Facebook profile picture that looked nothing like me - no glasses, big happy smile, lying down to ensure that I had only one chin. A lot of people liked that picture. But what if I posted this new one? Nobody would like it, that's for sure. But did it really matter? It was an artistic piece but it was also a bigger reflection of me than those other pictures that required heavy editing. I took a chance and posted it.

That was a few days ago. No likes on this one. No comments about how great I look. But I am more happy with this profile picture than any other. It was my concept and it pleases me. And in the end, that's all I really need.

Clinical Confrontation

Before today, I hadn't seen my regular family doctor for over a year. At that point, I had taken enough of his crap. The worst part is that it came from a place of ignorance. I think if I was a thin person he would treat me better, but who knows. I still remember going in to see him that last visit well over a year ago when he did what he usually does, and not take me seriously. Everything with him was about losing weight. I swear I could come into his office bleeding out the eyes and he would still tell me I need to lose weight. His usual weight loss song was coupled with a very uneducated take on my chronic illness - fibromyalgia. He told me that it was nothing but a few little aches and pains every now and then. Well, if "every now and then" meant 24/7, he would have been absolutely correct. And there is so much more to fibro - over 100 symptoms. I could hardly believe what he had just said. And while I sat there with my mouth gaping open, he quickly ended the appointment and hid away in his office until after I left. I flew out of there like a bat out of hell, determined never to go back.

Yet a year later, here I was. Sitting on the same exam table, waiting to see him. He came in the room and looked at my bloated body sitting on the exam table with a mixture of hatred and disgust. I almost walked out right then. But I am stubborn to a fault most times so I stayed. It was just this side of excruciating. I did confront him about why I hadn't been there in over a year. He didn't dispute my claim that he would give me better care if I were a thin person. Nor did he dispute the fact that he reduced fibromyalgia to "a few little aches and pains here and there". However he did offer to pawn me off to a rheumatology clinic to increase my chances of getting decent medical care for the one thing that affects me every day of my life. I can see him when I have a cold or something else that's passing. I can't wait to see how he makes that about my weight.

So here I am at home, having a drink. I like to call it "whiskey with some pop in it". At least I accomplished something today. Even though I had to see some jerk with a medical degree to do it.

Left Behind

I am the biggest pro-male female I know. I will always admit when they are the disadvantaged ones or when the media is making them out to be villains. But there's one thing that I am not fond of about males in general. If you are friends with a guy and it's awesome and great and you really click...and then they start viewing you as a potential love interest. You might have to tell them no because of reasons, and that becomes the kiss of death in the friendship. It never goes back to the way it used to be. You would think if you have this wonderful connection as friends, a guy wouldn't want to lose that any more than you do. This is not what happens. I get along better with guys than girls in general and I am sick to death of losing friends.

I keep thinking about one particular individual who is still technically on my Friends list on Facebook, though I am not sure why anymore. And I had to watch him snub me and move on - big time "move on". I am not jealous of her (I don't even know her) and I do wish them well. But I miss my friend. It is not often you find a friend that you can chat with any time of day and feel so comfortable. That's the part I am mourning. Six years of finding, discovering and losing one of my best friends.

I have become so jaded towards guys it's not even funny. I keep virtually everyone at arm's length, afraid to let someone in and lose them down the road. Even the ones that manage to squeeze past my wall don't make it very far. It's a sad way to live, but it hurts too much to be open right now.

So, Mystery Man, if you are reading this (which I doubt), I do miss you. It's been so long since we talked - you have this whole other life I know nothing about. Then again, I do too. Maybe sometime when enough time passes, we can chat again. I see by your pics that you are happy now and I am happy for you. But sometimes I think about you and wonder if you will ever message me from McDonald's at 3am again. Or any time really. Or just message me. I hope to hear from you again someday. You always did make me laugh.

How Do You Know???

People like to speculate about what the future holds for them. Including me. What I don't understand is how some people can be so confident that everything will be okay. 2014 was a horrible year for me, and I saw virtually none of that coming. I notice a lot of posts on Facebook, those little inspirational adages that always end the same way - "...keep calm and know everything will be okay." Well, I don't know that everything will be okay. I do know that circumstances in life change, but they change so slowly over time that we may not realize how different they are. But looking back over previous years it is easy to see, kind of like time-lapse photography. It's like huge kaleidoscope that keeps on spinning and over time we can see how different the picture has become. So, I don't know. I just do my best to keep moving forward and have the fullest life possible. And I think if people were more honest with themselves, that's all any of us can hope for. So hug your loved ones and hang on to your hats. It's a wild ride. 

An Atheist's Reaction: I'll Pray For You

Fat Acceptance: The Harsh Reality