UPDATE: New Links, The Venting Room, Shelley Duvall

Year-End Analysis

My birthday is coming up at the end of this month. I will be 42 years old. Every year around my birthday I reflect on the past year. I think about the people that have come and gone, how my life is better than last year - and sometimes how it's worse, if applicable. And this year has been without a doubt one of my worst years as an adult.

Because of this fact, I am struggling to find the good in the midst of all of the bad. I think one of my main flaws is my inability to let go of hurt and losses. If you have been reading this blog for any length of time you will be familiar with that. But I saw something on Facebook a few days ago that allowed me to change my perspective on things. It said "Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let go." It's like someone wrote it just for me.

So in the coming year, I hope to become better at letting things go. We are always moving on from on thing or another - it's a fact of life. Why fight it? I'd rather embrace it instead.

More Blockage

Blocked again. This one was a different case, but it always amounts to the same thing. Access denied. And me, with my shitty self-esteem, always wondering what I could have done differently to make them stay. I find people who have lifelong friends fascinating because it is so far from my reality of friendships. Is it just me, or do others have trouble too?

Truth is, this guy was odd from the beginning. He contacted me on DeviantArt, at first just praising my work. Then he admitted that he was a writer and he had a story brewing in his head and I reminded him of one of the main characters. Invited me to send him a friend request on Facebook. I did. We would chat now and again, but only about the story which I was now helping him to develop. He referred to me as his "goddess" because of the character I reminded him of in the story. It was nice chatting online with someone again, even though he knew virtually nothing about me and didn't care to find out more.

Then it started to go south. We were still role playing online but he would up and leave in the middle of a discussion with no warning. I have experienced this before. And unless you are Batman, there is no excuse to take off in the middle of a chat without so much as a "brb". I'd like to think that even Batman would have time to type in three lousy letters. It's a matter of consideration and respect for the other person's time. So I mentioned it to him. He apologized and I thought that was the end of it. But it began to happen even more regularly and I was really getting pissed off. I should also mention that this happened to me before on a grander scale and I was forced to bid this person farewell even though I had years invested in the friendship.

So I wrote Writer Boy a message yesterday, explaining that I could not be his Goddess anymore, and why. I was quite proud of the message. I stood up for myself without tearing the other person down. Today I checked whether or not my message was received and I noticed he wasn't listed in my Friends Online list anymore. So I did some investigating and realized I was blocked. So I blocked him right back, not only on Facebook but on DeviantArt as well. Seems kind of immature when I type it out like that, but I look at it as a matter of self-preservation. I deserve better treatment than that. Everyone does.

Just another brick in the wall...

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Boy set on fire

Boy set on fire: A boy with special needs is fighting for his life after his family says he was set on fire in Kerrville, Texas over the weekend.

Diet Pepsi Addict

Okay, I admit it - I am addicted to Diet Pepsi. I just like the taste of it, so that is my drink of choice when I am at home. I was drinking 8-10 cans of the fizzy stuff daily, before reading an article or two about what diet soda can do to your insides. Well, really any artificial sweeteners. So I have gone off diet soda. I have regular Coke from time to time, but no more than a couple of cans a day.

It's only been a couple of days and I am already starting to feel better. I guess the water I am drinking in lieu of the Diet Pepsi plays no small part in that. My stomach is giving me a lot less grief, which is a welcome change. I feel more alert, which is a good thing. And I actually feel a bit more energized. All of these things are great. But I miss my Diet Pepsi. More than that I miss not knowing how bad it was for me. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

I've got to stop reading articles.

My Pleasing Profile Pictures

I don't know what happened this time. I always posted really innocent-looking profile pictures on Facebook, not wanting to rock the boat. I would put on makeup, pose in front of the camera. Snap! No, that's no good, my teeth look too big. Snap! My hand looks too fat in this one. And on it would go. I would usually have to take five selfies to get a picture that does not make me cringe too much. One that I would be willing to post on Facebook. One that might get me a few likes.

The last part is what I felt I needed to change. My profile picture didn't seem so much about reflecting me or my life as pleasing others. Then one day, I got an idea in my head. It was originally supposed to just be for DeviantArt. I would sit in front of the camera and smoke. I would take a big drag from my cigarette as I stared directly at the camera, the end of the cigarette burning orange. Snap! I only took one picture this time, and that was enough. I posted it on DeviantArt, and someone even favourited the picture. I wasn't expecting that, but I was glad it happened.

Then I began to think about my Facebook profile picture that looked nothing like me - no glasses, big happy smile, lying down to ensure that I had only one chin. A lot of people liked that picture. But what if I posted this new one? Nobody would like it, that's for sure. But did it really matter? It was an artistic piece but it was also a bigger reflection of me than those other pictures that required heavy editing. I took a chance and posted it.

That was a few days ago. No likes on this one. No comments about how great I look. But I am more happy with this profile picture than any other. It was my concept and it pleases me. And in the end, that's all I really need.