Thursday, 29 December 2016

Thursday, 8 December 2016

If You Need A Friend...

Lately I have been losing people from my life like friendship is going out of style. This is for a multitude of reasons, none of them very logical. So I am posting an "open call" for friends. With me basically you get what you give. I have outlined below some fringe benefits of being my friend. I don't know that I was always a very good friend to people growing up, but I now I know exactly how I don't want to be treated, and I believe this makes me a better friend to others. What you can expect from me as your new friend is as follows:

1. If you need my support regarding something going on in your life, I will be there for you. Not every day is roses and sunshine, and we could all use help sometimes to make it through.

2. I will not talk behind your back. Chances are that the people who dislike you will dislike me also because I won't join them in their hate speech towards you.

3. I will be there for the good times as well. It's important to have people around you that can celebrate your victories with you, and who will be genuinely happy for you.

4. You are welcome to have differing opinions from mine. I will not put you down or call you names. I may ask you questions about your opinions but that is not to try and bully you; I am sincerely interested in what you have to say.

5. People have disagreements and this is not a baseball game. I am willing to talk things out and this will not result in some sort of "strike" against you.

So that's what I can offer. I hope it's enough. 

Monday, 24 October 2016

Year-End Analysis

My birthday is coming up at the end of this month. I will be 42 years old. Every year around my birthday I reflect on the past year. I think about the people that have come and gone, how my life is better than last year - and sometimes how it's worse, if applicable. And this year has been without a doubt one of my worst years as an adult.

Because of this fact, I am struggling to find the good in the midst of all of the bad. I think one of my main flaws is my inability to let go of hurt and losses. If you have been reading this blog for any length of time you will be familiar with that. But I saw something on Facebook a few days ago that allowed me to change my perspective on things. It said "Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let go." It's like someone wrote it just for me.

So in the coming year, I hope to become better at letting things go. We are always moving on from on thing or another - it's a fact of life. Why fight it? I'd rather embrace it instead.

Monday, 10 October 2016

More Blockage

Blocked again. This one was a different case, but it always amounts to the same thing. Access denied. And me, with my shitty self-esteem, always wondering what I could have done differently to make them stay. I find people who have lifelong friends fascinating because it is so far from my reality of friendships. Is it just me, or do others have trouble too?

Truth is, this guy was odd from the beginning. He contacted me on DeviantArt, at first just praising my work. Then he admitted that he was a writer and he had a story brewing in his head and I reminded him of one of the main characters. Invited me to send him a friend request on Facebook. I did. We would chat now and again, but only about the story which I was now helping him to develop. He referred to me as his "goddess" because of the character I reminded him of in the story. It was nice chatting online with someone again, even though he knew virtually nothing about me and didn't care to find out more.

Then it started to go south. We were still role playing online but he would up and leave in the middle of a discussion with no warning. I have experienced this before. And unless you are Batman, there is no excuse to take off in the middle of a chat without so much as a "brb". I'd like to think that even Batman would have time to type in three lousy letters. It's a matter of consideration and respect for the other person's time. So I mentioned it to him. He apologized and I thought that was the end of it. But it began to happen even more regularly and I was really getting pissed off. I should also mention that this happened to me before on a grander scale and I was forced to bid this person farewell even though I had years invested in the friendship.

So I wrote Writer Boy a message yesterday, explaining that I could not be his Goddess anymore, and why. I was quite proud of the message. I stood up for myself without tearing the other person down. Today I checked whether or not my message was received and I noticed he wasn't listed in my Friends Online list anymore. So I did some investigating and realized I was blocked. So I blocked him right back, not only on Facebook but on DeviantArt as well. Seems kind of immature when I type it out like that, but I look at it as a matter of self-preservation. I deserve better treatment than that. Everyone does.

Just another brick in the wall...

Trump: You’d be in jail if I’m President - He Tells Hillary Clinton at T...

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Boy set on fire

Boy set on fire: A boy with special needs is fighting for his life after his family says he was set on fire in Kerrville, Texas over the weekend.

Sunday, 25 September 2016

Diet Pepsi Addict

Okay, I admit it - I am addicted to Diet Pepsi. I just like the taste of it, so that is my drink of choice when I am at home. I was drinking 8-10 cans of the fizzy stuff daily, before reading an article or two about what diet soda can do to your insides. Well, really any artificial sweeteners. So I have gone off diet soda. I have regular Coke from time to time, but no more than a couple of cans a day.

It's only been a couple of days and I am already starting to feel better. I guess the water I am drinking in lieu of the Diet Pepsi plays no small part in that. My stomach is giving me a lot less grief, which is a welcome change. I feel more alert, which is a good thing. And I actually feel a bit more energized. All of these things are great. But I miss my Diet Pepsi. More than that I miss not knowing how bad it was for me. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

I've got to stop reading articles.

Saturday, 24 September 2016

My Pleasing Profile Pictures

I don't know what happened this time. I always posted really innocent-looking profile pictures on Facebook, not wanting to rock the boat. I would put on makeup, pose in front of the camera. Snap! No, that's no good, my teeth look too big. Snap! My hand looks too fat in this one. And on it would go. I would usually have to take five selfies to get a picture that does not make me cringe too much. One that I would be willing to post on Facebook. One that might get me a few likes.

The last part is what I felt I needed to change. My profile picture didn't seem so much about reflecting me or my life as pleasing others. Then one day, I got an idea in my head. It was originally supposed to just be for DeviantArt. I would sit in front of the camera and smoke. I would take a big drag from my cigarette as I stared directly at the camera, the end of the cigarette burning orange. Snap! I only took one picture this time, and that was enough. I posted it on DeviantArt, and someone even favourited the picture. I wasn't expecting that, but I was glad it happened.

Then I began to think about my Facebook profile picture that looked nothing like me - no glasses, big happy smile, lying down to ensure that I had only one chin. A lot of people liked that picture. But what if I posted this new one? Nobody would like it, that's for sure. But did it really matter? It was an artistic piece but it was also a bigger reflection of me than those other pictures that required heavy editing. I took a chance and posted it.

That was a few days ago. No likes on this one. No comments about how great I look. But I am more happy with this profile picture than any other. It was my concept and it pleases me. And in the end, that's all I really need.

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Clinical Confrontation

Before today, I hadn't seen my regular family doctor for over a year. At that point, I had taken enough of his crap. The worst part is that it came from a place of ignorance. I think if I was a thin person he would treat me better, but who knows. I still remember going in to see him that last visit well over a year ago when he did what he usually does, and not take me seriously. Everything with him was about losing weight. I swear I could come into his office bleeding out the eyes and he would still tell me I need to lose weight. His usual weight loss song was coupled with a very uneducated take on my chronic illness - fibromyalgia. He told me that it was nothing but a few little aches and pains every now and then. Well, if "every now and then" meant 24/7, he would have been absolutely correct. And there is so much more to fibro - over 100 symptoms. I could hardly believe what he had just said. And while I sat there with my mouth gaping open, he quickly ended the appointment and hid away in his office until after I left. I flew out of there like a bat out of hell, determined never to go back.

Yet a year later, here I was. Sitting on the same exam table, waiting to see him. He came in the room and looked at my bloated body sitting on the exam table with a mixture of hatred and disgust. I almost walked out right then. But I am stubborn to a fault most times so I stayed. It was just this side of excruciating. I did confront him about why I hadn't been there in over a year. He didn't dispute my claim that he would give me better care if I were a thin person. Nor did he dispute the fact that he reduced fibromyalgia to "a few little aches and pains here and there". However he did offer to pawn me off to a rheumatology clinic to increase my chances of getting decent medical care for the one thing that affects me every day of my life. I can see him when I have a cold or something else that's passing. I can't wait to see how he makes that about my weight.

So here I am at home, having a drink. I like to call it "whiskey with some pop in it". At least I accomplished something today. Even though I had to see some jerk with a medical degree to do it.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Left Behind

I am the biggest pro-male female I know. I will always admit when they are the disadvantaged ones or when the media is making them out to be villains. But there's one thing that I am not fond of about males in general. If you are friends with a guy and it's awesome and great and you really click...and then they start viewing you as a potential love interest. You might have to tell them no because of reasons, and that becomes the kiss of death in the friendship. It never goes back to the way it used to be. You would think if you have this wonderful connection as friends, a guy wouldn't want to lose that any more than you do. This is not what happens. I get along better with guys than girls in general and I am sick to death of losing friends.

I keep thinking about one particular individual who is still technically on my Friends list on Facebook, though I am not sure why anymore. And I had to watch him snub me and move on - big time "move on". I am not jealous of her (I don't even know her) and I do wish them well. But I miss my friend. It is not often you find a friend that you can chat with any time of day and feel so comfortable. That's the part I am mourning. Six years of finding, discovering and losing one of my best friends.

I have become so jaded towards guys it's not even funny. I keep virtually everyone at arm's length, afraid to let someone in and lose them down the road. Even the ones that manage to squeeze past my wall don't make it very far. It's a sad way to live, but it hurts too much to be open right now.

So, Mystery Man, if you are reading this (which I doubt), I do miss you. It's been so long since we talked - you have this whole other life I know nothing about. Then again, I do too. Maybe sometime when enough time passes, we can chat again. I see by your pics that you are happy now and I am happy for you. But sometimes I think about you and wonder if you will ever message me from McDonald's at 3am again. Or any time really. Or just message me. I hope to hear from you again someday. You always did make me laugh.

Monday, 19 September 2016

How Do You Know???

People like to speculate about what the future holds for them. Including me. What I don't understand is how some people can be so confident that everything will be okay. 2014 was a horrible year for me, and I saw virtually none of that coming. I notice a lot of posts on Facebook, those little inspirational adages that always end the same way - "...keep calm and know everything will be okay." Well, I don't know that everything will be okay. I do know that circumstances in life change, but they change so slowly over time that we may not realize how different they are. But looking back over previous years it is easy to see, kind of like time-lapse photography. It's like huge kaleidoscope that keeps on spinning and over time we can see how different the picture has become. So, I don't know. I just do my best to keep moving forward and have the fullest life possible. And I think if people were more honest with themselves, that's all any of us can hope for. So hug your loved ones and hang on to your hats. It's a wild ride. 

An Atheist's Reaction: I'll Pray For You

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Art Is Life

I have a chronic illness that I was diagnosed with in 2012. It leaves me exhausted and in pain. But the one thing I still have is my artistic eye and my artistic ear. The way I experience the world is quite rare considering the things I have been through. I find solace in my pictures and my songs. They are my expression, and the part of me that can never be taken away by illness or pain. Art is life. It is the way I will always live on and what tells me I am still alive now. 

Wednesday, 29 June 2016


Last night I had another fall. It was a bad one. I was moving my "shoe" chair away from the balcony door and I tripped over it and landed backwards, bumping my head and scraping my back on the baseboard heater in the process. As I fell I yelled for Adam, even though he is unable to pick me up. I just needed him to come into the living room and reassure me that everything would be okay. Falling with fibromyalgia is a common thing. But when I do fall, I have trouble sending signals to my legs to move or do anything that is otherwise helpful. I finally got up with the aid of the couch and went to the bedroom to lie down.

I always feel a little silly when I fall because I cannot get myself up right away. If I am with strangers, they don't buy that I can't get up, especially if I happen to land spread eagle on the ground. Their advice to me seems to be "Just get up". Wow, that's helpful. I wish I'd thought of that myself.

Well, time for me to go back to bed and convalesce. Gee, I don't do that nearly enough in life. Stay metal.

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Letting You Down

I feel like I let you down. Like I let everybody down. Six years ago when I dove headfirst into online life I did it with complete abandon. Would you have been less disappointed in the long run if I had just tested the water with my big toe? I am in the last, worst stage of fibromyalgia - there are no more. I am up for a couple of hours and then I am forced to lie down. When I sing it is usually only one song at a time because my lungs can't take any more. This is what I am left with, this is all I have to give. I wish I could do more online. Hell, I wish I could join the outside world again and get a job and help my husband take care of everything. But this is my life now, and I spend my days just trying not to be bitter. Please bear with me, internet friends. I am trying my best.

Thursday, 19 May 2016

VIDEO: Trudeau grabs Conservative MP, elbows NDP MP

VIDEO: Trudeau grabs Conservative MP, elbows NDP MP: So what are we watching here?The video here has been pulled from the official House of Commons video feed. The producers and camera operators who control the shot do not work for any news organizations; they work for the House of Commons and must [...]

Sunday, 15 May 2016

My Eerie Transformation

I look at pictures of myself even one year ago and I don't recognize that person anymore. My hair is so short, my clothes so butch - what look was I going for? Certainly not that of a guy. That's one thing I have always been sure of - I am a woman through and through. Sitting here now I grab a handful of hair at the back, willing it to grow longer. I lost so much time when my hair could have been long and feminine. But at least I have the choice now to look more feminine. But I draw the line at a daily makeup regimen. Some things aren't worth it even now.

Friday, 26 February 2016

What Doesn't Kill You

I remember this one time at a lake up north, I must have been at least 5 because it was the summer and my brother was a baby. My mother sat my brother and I on a rock so that she could go for a swim. I remember the rock felt very slimy. Then I slipped under the water.  For what seemed like a long time, I was underwater. Then some stranger saved me and here I am. But now I feel like I need that saving hand again and the kindly stranger is nowhere to be found. My heart has been breaking every day for a couple of years now, and bullies have warned me against discussing it anywhere else. But maybe you, my blog readers, will provide the listening ear I need to keep me from drowning altogether. Something to think about.